Frail

I must be truly honest tonight. I am frail and my heart aches. This entry will be very personal, so if you just want to hear the bits about Scotland, reread last night's page.

Many of these following sentences are straight from my heart and may only make sense to those who know me best.

I feel frail tonight. My stomach and heart burns and feels like they are being squeezed. I am like a guitar with no strings; a single wind chime hanging all alone (to borrow from mewithoutYou.) In short, I don't feel much like a Christian tonight. It isn't anything of what I have done, but much because of what I have not.

Did Jesus not come to save the whole world?

What am I doing as an ambassador of Jesus to save this world?

I don't feel excited about Jesus, because I don't think I am experiencing Jesus. I may pray and gladly go to church and set-up beforehand with a smile on my face, but I don't feel alive in God. I don't feel this hope. I would say I was a Christian, but do I act like Christ. Isn't that what it means. What do I do daily to help the world? Sure, I'm a great guy, I'm friendly, people like me, I'm intelligent, but am I like Jesus. Or not even like Jesus. Am I trying to be like Jesus?

The answer, if I really search my heart, is no.

That means there are two possible reasons for my hurt. a.) My heart is dead and I am realising that or b.) my heart, in response to the former is becoming alive again and it is the pain of shaking off the grave dust. I pray it is the latter. I think it is.

I was on the 31 bus on my way to Tesco tonight when it hit me. I can pray all I want and strive to do more to be close to Jesus, to seek to speak in tongues, or to know the Bible cover to cover, and still not be like Jesus.

Didn't Jesus come to save the entire world?

I want to be Jesus minded. I want to realise Jesus' in actuality. I want to be excited about Jesus. The excitement that one would seek for a woman is what I mean. I would daydream, I would delight in her presence. I would be so excited to tell my friends about her and all she is doing and proudly show her off (trying to avoid the image of a trophy wife.) in humility to be proud of being with her. I yearn for this to be true of my saviour. I want to be excited to share Jesus because I recognise what he has really done for me and I'm so thankful and genuinely excited. Any excitement now would be just because I believe I should have it. I feel I have to work up so much. Now I still believe that you can be just as excited and be sitting quite still, which I'm thinking is more my style since, although I consider myself one, charismatics tend to intimidate me.

I was almost in tears on the bus when I realised that I might not really be a Christian, if we stick with the denotation of the word. or at least a poor one if any. I would prefer to be a poor one than not. Now don't go flying off the runway with sympathetic comments about my condition, although I would like to hear your thoughts on this entry, I still believe that Jesus is real and I've accepted what he's done, I'm just worried I'm still standing underneath the cross and not walking out to save the world like he implored his disciples while he hung there.

I want to save the world. I want Jesus to live in my heart.

Jesus, come into my heart, really show me what you did for the world and let me be so excited that it boils over into all the earth.

Isn't that why you came anyway?

If you're interested in what I did today. I pulled at 12 hour shift at Starbucks and met many wonderful new people and gained a burden for their friendship and their condition, spiritual and otherwise. Because once again.

Didn't Jesus come to save the WHOLE world.